Fences

Not too far from here lies a beautiful church. It is red bricked, with cream columns, a beautiful steeple and fancy rod iron fence. The rod iron fence encloses the church’s entire property and it stays securely locked to prevent anyone unwanted on the property. Directly across that beautiful church is a nice park, with trees that give shade and places for sitting. This nice park isn’t just a park; many homeless people have taken up residence at this park. This park is home to many people who have nothing, literally nothing. This beautiful church lies across the street and it is in the perfect place to reach out, to help and show Christ’s love. However, in place of Christ’s heart is a rod iron fence that is securely locked, keeping out those who we are commanded to love. Matthew 25:40 

This isn’t a bash on that specific church or its people, for I fear that most churches would do the same. I am afraid to believe that many of us, whether physical or figuratively, put up gates and keep “the least of them” out. We go to our comfortable church and sit in our comfortable pews, when church is over we indulge in a meal and family or social gathering. We go home to our comfortable homes, lie down in our comfortable beds and sleep comfortably. We give not a thought of those very one’s we are commanded to love. I say WE, because I include myself in this. I am probably the worst of them, the one who cast judgment and looks the other way. If you don’t do this, if you do love the least of them, than know you are in the minority and I praise the living God for you. I pray to be more like you, to love more like you, to care more like you do.  

I don't have much more to say on this matter. I am left feeling ashamed and speechless. However, I will leave you with this verse to ponder;  

⁴ No soldier gets entangled in civilian pursuits, since his aim is to please the one who enlisted him. 2 Timothy 2:4 (ESV)

Thankful for My Sorrows

If there is anything that I have learned for certain, it is that I much more prefer my life with my rose colored glasses on. I much rather believe that the world we live in is a peaceful and a beautiful place. I much rather believe those things, because in that belief I can continue on living my sweet, happy and very comfortable life.

Comfort. Like waking up in the morning and not wanting to get out of bed, comfortable. Like a hot shower. Like stepping out in the hot sun and feeling it warm your whole body. Like hot coca on a cold, winter day. Like my big fluffy down jacket. Comfort. I crave it. Honestly, it may be one of my top priorities. Not being comfortable can ruin... umm... like everything. Comfort: A word that I am beginning to utterly hate with every fiber of my being.

But anyways, so I'm not sure how most people pray, but for me, most of the time I just talk to God. I talk to him like he is right there by my side. I tell him what he already knows and hope that he might respond with something that makes me feel good about myself. However, I'm pretty convinced that God isn't in the business of making us feel good about ourselves. And I will also tell you that you should be very careful about what you ask God for, because he might give it to you. Yeah. He. So. Did.

It was simple, really. I prayed for God to show me what he wants, for him to open my eyes. I wanted to see the world through his eyes. I wanted to see his people. Have a love for them to some degree as his. His request? To simply take off my rose colored glasses. Yes. I. Did. I took them off. The first thing I felt compelled to do was to get involved in a local orphanage. I did that, my first day I didn't even see a single child and God was rocking my world. Not rocking it in a good way, rocking it in a way where everything you thought you knew starts to crumble in. Rocking it like in a boat, in the middle of the storm and only Jesus can calm it.

Walking in the gathering hall and seeing crosses all over the wall covered in children's hand print. ..."I'm thankful for food" one message said, I'm thankful for my salvation and all that the Lord has done for me", I'm thankful for my many blessing and also my many sorrows", I'm thankful for my life". Children with no family, or not a very nice one. Children who had very little, with thankful hearts. For a moment I pitied them, I felt so sorry that they didn't have a family or a good one. I felt so sorry that they were in the orphanage. But as I continued to read on, my grief quickly dissipates and it turned to shame. You see, I realize that I was the one to be pitied, not them. Not the ones with nothing, but the ones with everything. For I am the rich man who will not inherit the kingdom of heaven. I am not the lowly in spirit, not the meek or the humble. I am proud and arrogant at best. But God is doing a work in me.  He is breaking me down to make me whole and I have never felt more at peace. I don't know if I am ready for what is in store, but I think that is part of true surrender. Not knowing, but being fully aware that God is in total control and trusting his will.

Your sister in Christ,
Crystal Roberts

Control - 8.27.13

For the love of Christ controls us...

That is the beginning of 2 Corinthians 5:14 and I haven't been able to read past it. When I think of control, I think of a puppet on strings being controlled by its puppeteer. The puppet can only go where or do what the puppeteer ables it to. Nothing less, nothing more. Every single action must be allowed by the puppeteer or the puppet is immobile.

If you think about it; we are all puppets. We are all being controlled by something or someone. Whether it is success, greed, power, love, hate, a boss, a master, friends or society, we are all persuaded by something. But nothing this world gives, should control us.

Again I repeat; for the love of Christ controls us...

Paul is saying this to the church of Corinth. This is in his second letter and he is imploring the Corinthians to reconcile their relationship with Christ. Corinth was a very pagan city and their immoral behavior was starting to seep into the church. The difference between those outside the church and those inside, was very little. 

The more I delve into this, the more my heart sinks. If I am a believer in Christ, his love should control me. Am I as the people of the church of Corinth? Can people see any difference in me? Most of the time I think one hand is on the Bible and the other wrapped around my American dream. Being tugged. To-and-fro. 

A third time; for the love of Christ controls us...

I can't stop saying it in my mind. Christ's love should control me; every act, every thought, every word, everything should be a direct reflection of Christ. If he is controlling me. No matter what comes my way; I respond with Christ's love. I am wronged; Christ's love. 

The last time; for the love of Christ controls us...

I have given my life to Christ | so He is my master | I am his puppet | Everything I do = Crystal Christ

I've got a long ways to go... 

/crystal/

Seeing What is in Front of You - 8.20.13

I don't share very often, actually really never at all. Unless you are family and even then, it's rare. But God has been putting on my heart to share and well this is the only forum I feel bold enough to do so. So here I am, sitting, pondering what to share. As if I have something of worth to pass on to you, something that might be of value. All I really can share is the things that God deals with me about. He deals with me a lot, more often then I really want him to. Honestly, some days I would be fine if he would just leave me alone. But, then I shutter to think what that might actually be like and I repent for thinking what I previously thought. Thankfully God doesn't do what we want, thankfully he has his own agenda.

 I will start off by saying that I am not eloquent with my words and my sentences aren't always grammatically correct. I love exclamation points (working on not using them so much) and commas are my worst enemy. So forgive me now and have mercy while reading into my heart. My heart has always been a secret place and very few people have been allowed access. But, at some point in our christian lives, we must open ourselves up. We must be willing to pour ourselves out for God to have the ability to fill us with him. So this is the beginning of me pouring myself out, hoping to be filled by a mighty God.

The past few months I have been praying for God to open the doors up for me to do more, share more, be bigger, better, expand his kingdom more, just more and more. It isn't a bad prayer, right?!?! It really isn't and I felt good that I was praying it. I mean asking God to give you the ability to do more is great, right?! But when he actually speaks to you and calls you it gets a little different.

You see I've never been satisfied with being Crystal Roberts, I'd rather be a Beth Moore, Katie Davis or someone of that caliber. But, me? I'm just this little stay at home mom, wife, homemaker, church goer and a small time photographer. Nothing too special or worth documenting into history. Transitioning into a stay at home mom is probably the hardest thing I've dealt with in a while. Staying at home has this way of making me feel so unworthy and not bringing a paycheck home kills my ego. I still get embarrassed when people ask me what I do, because I don't have some fancy job title. But I know God called me to stay home and I have no doubts about that.

So I'm praying for him to give me more responsibility, when I'm not even satisfied with what I have. God spoke that so loud to me while I was sitting in my living room, praying to be able to do more for him. Breaking down into tears, I became still. I was folding clothes and I put my garment down. I just starred at my home, my son, thinking of Peter working so hard for us and it broke my heart.  God so clearly spoke to me in that moment of stillness these very words; "Crystal, why would I give you more responsibility, when you aren't doing what I've called you to do with a joyful heart now." I had no response, nothing to say back. No excuse, no words, nothing filled my thoughts. Just silence. Dead. Awful. Silence. My heart mourned.

I finally began to realize and accept what my calling is. I have a great duty to raise a Godly, honest, honorable, noble and dependable son, bring comfort to my husband and manage my household. This is a huge task and a enormous honor. This is my duty now. But, God has much more in store for me! He is changing my heart, my perspective and making me into the woman I will need to be, when he calls me to more. More, he will call of me and more I will be willing to give.

I'm in love with a mighty God who disciplines those who love him and I'm so in love with what is in front of me.

Your sister in Christ,
Crystal Roberts

Trust - 1.6.13

2012 was the most exciting year yet! I gave birth to me and my husband's first baby boy!! I never knew it was possible to love someone so completely before ever laying eyes on them! I found out in April 2012 that I was 5 weeks pregnant and couldn't of been more excited and a little nervous too! I couldn't believe I was soon going to be responsible for another human being! The feeling was quite overwhelming! I was pregnant for 41 and half weeks and boy did I experience all kinds of emotions! From sheer happiness, to fear and anxiety and sometimes even some sadness! But, God was good through out it all! The one thing he showed me is the importance of prayer and not just prayer but praying the right prayers! 

I am very natural and like to eat as much organic as I possibly can! I even go as far as trying to stay away from medicine, if I can help it! I don't even like to take headache medicine! I was bound and determined to have a natural birth and to not take any medicine either! I had essential oils to help me get ready and daily prepared myself for what birth would bring me. On my fortieth week my OB was starting to talk to me about the possibility of being induced and I told her I was in no way going to be induced! Ryker would come when he was ready! So forty one and half weeks later and still not going into labor! My OB informed me that if I didn't go into labor that day she was going to put me in the hospital the next night and induce me. So I poured out my heart to God and asked friends to please pray! I just knew it wasn't God's desire for me to be induced and as the night progressed I began to become angry that I still had not gone into labor! I did everything under the sun to jump start my body into labor and NOTHING worked! I was so upset and didn't understand why?! So I started to doubt my Dr., what if she got his due date wrong? What if he needs to stay in me longer?? What if, what if, what if... driving myself nuts with all the what ifs that had no answer in sight! 

So the evening of the next night had came and me and my husband got ready to head to the hospital. I was so upset that I was going to have to be induced. My OB wouldn't let me go any longer because she said that it was dangerous for both me and the baby and I felt I should trust her. At 6:30 PM they started the inducting and by 4am in the morning I was already worn out from being poked and prodded, tired from being checked if I was dilated yet and by how much!  I was so tired and rest would not find me. The nurse finally talked me into taking pain meds due to my lack of rest. So at  4am she gave me my first rounds of pain meds and it gave me enough relief to fall asleep for a few hours. At 6:30 am they took the cervidile out of me and the nurse allowed me to take a shower! I always take showers when I'm sad, depressed or experiencing pain. So I took an extremely long shower until the point the nurse was getting upset with me! So 45 mins. later I'm out of the shower and back in my uncomfortable bed to continue the rest of my labor. Every few minutes someone coming in to check my vital signs and to see if I was progressing. Slowly but surly I was dilating a little. As far as the timeline goes from that point on.. I really don't remember. Peter said I was screaming how sorry I am for being a failure. I don't remember saying any of that... but it is true how I felt. 

My husband informed me of Ryker and his heart beat and how it was so erratic and dropping so low. I knew that I was going to have to come to terms with a C-Section and how I so did not want that at all! I didn't understand why God would allow everything to go the opposite of how I wanted them. Why? I wanted to do it the right way, the best way and the natural way! Isn't that God's will? That's how he created birth to be and why would he not grant me the desires of my heart? Well we finally made the decision to do a C-Section because of Ryker's heart and after 25 hours of labor I still had not dialted to a 10. After Ryker was here they had to rush him to the NICU because he had a swallowed some fluid and X-rays showed he had a small tear in his lungs. 

The next day I woke up crying my eyes out.. I had yet to really see or hold my son and everything that I didn't want to happen, did! Later in the morning my OB came and visited me. She told me about my perineum bone and how it was protruding out too forward and that Ryker would of never been able to come down. That is why I never went into labor, he couldn't get down far enough and without him getting into place, my body would of never received the signal to go into labor. That is also why during the induction he kept moving, he was trying so hard to get down. He knew what he was suppose to do, but couldn't! She said that she only could of found that out through looking inside me. She said I will never be able to give birth naturally, I will always have to have C-sections. I asked her what would of happened in the olden days and she said both me and the baby would of died! WOW! In that moment I realized that God knew exactly what he was doing. He knew what needed to happen to keep me and my baby alive. He isn't finished with me yet and my baby has a purpose. We are both meant to be here! :,) God is good all the time! He gives us not what we want, not even what seems to be best, but he gives us what we need. I now regret being so caught up in not wanting to be induced, being so upset that I didn't bring my camera too the hospital! I have iPhone images to cherish and not good quality images! I missed the story because I was too focused on me. :/ 

 

Moral of this story; Trust God always. ALWAYS!  :)

Love,

Crystal Roberts