I don't share very often, actually really never at all. Unless you
are family and even then, it's rare. But God has been putting on my
heart to share and well this is the only forum I feel bold enough to do
so. So here I am, sitting, pondering what to share. As if I have
something of worth to pass on to you, something that might be of value.
All I really can share is the things that God deals with me about. He
deals with me a lot, more often then I really want him to. Honestly,
some days I would be fine if he would just leave me alone. But, then I
shutter to think what that might actually be like and I repent for
thinking what I previously thought. Thankfully God doesn't do what we
want, thankfully he has his own agenda.
I will start
off by saying that I am not eloquent with my words and my sentences
aren't always grammatically correct. I love exclamation points (working
on not using them so much) and commas are my worst enemy. So forgive me
now and have mercy while reading into my heart. My heart has always been
a secret place and very few people have been allowed access. But, at
some point in our christian lives, we must open ourselves up. We must be
willing to pour ourselves out for God to have the ability to fill us
with him. So this is the beginning of me pouring myself out, hoping to
be filled by a mighty God.
The past few months I have
been praying for God to open the doors up for me to do more, share more,
be bigger, better, expand his kingdom more, just more and more. It
isn't a bad prayer, right?!?! It really isn't and I felt good that I was
praying it. I mean asking God to give you the ability to do more is
great, right?! But when he actually speaks to you and calls you it gets a
little different.
You see I've never been satisfied
with being Crystal Roberts, I'd rather be a Beth Moore, Katie Davis or
someone of that caliber. But, me? I'm just this little stay at home mom,
wife, homemaker, church goer and a small time photographer. Nothing too
special or worth documenting into history. Transitioning into a stay at
home mom is probably the hardest thing I've dealt with in a while.
Staying at home has this way of making me feel so unworthy and not
bringing a paycheck home kills my ego. I still get embarrassed when
people ask me what I do, because I don't have some fancy job title. But I
know God called me to stay home and I have no doubts about that.
So
I'm praying for him to give me more responsibility, when I'm not even
satisfied with what I have. God spoke that so loud to me while I was
sitting in my living room, praying to be able to do more for him.
Breaking down into tears, I became still. I was folding clothes and I
put my garment down. I just starred at my home, my son, thinking of
Peter working so hard for us and it broke my heart. God so clearly
spoke to me in that moment of stillness these very words; "Crystal, why
would I give you more responsibility, when you aren't doing what I've
called you to do with a joyful heart now." I had no response, nothing to
say back. No excuse, no words, nothing filled my thoughts. Just
silence. Dead. Awful. Silence. My heart mourned.
I
finally began to realize and accept what my calling is. I have a great
duty to raise a Godly, honest, honorable, noble and dependable son,
bring comfort to my husband and manage my household. This is a huge task
and a enormous honor. This is my duty now. But, God has much more in
store for me! He is changing my heart, my perspective and making me into
the woman I will need to be, when he calls me to more. More, he will
call of me and more I will be willing to give.
I'm in love with a mighty God who disciplines those who love him and I'm so in love with what is in front of me.
Your sister in Christ,
Crystal Roberts
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